What Am I Supposed To Do?
by DiTab1
Summary: One Shot.  No pairings.  Spoilers for All Hell Breaks Loose Pt 1 & 2.  My interpretations of Dean's thoughts while sitting by Sam's bed.  Reviews welcome and encouraged! Enjoy!


**A/N: Spoilers for All Hell Breaks Loose 1 & 2. My interpretation of what goes through Dean's mind as he sits by Sam's body… Reviews are always encouraged! **

**Disclaimer: You know the drill…don't own 'em, just torturing them for your reading pleasure.**

Have you ever loved someone with every cell in your body? Have you loved someone so much that the mere thought of them leaving you brought you to your knees? Have you loved to the point where your entire existence was based upon what you meant to them? It's a double edged sword to love that deeply. I should know…I've loved someone to the exclusion of everything else in my life and now… now that person is gone and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

I've been sitting here for hours looking at your face. I know your face better than I know my own. I should, I've spent my entire life looking at it. I've watched you grow from that pudgy little baby that cried all night long into this strong, young man who probably spends more time watching my back than his own. You look so peaceful lying there that I can almost believe that you will open your eyes any second now and laugh at me for sitting here watching you.

But I know better. I can see the pool of blood that has soaked into the mattress beneath you. It's a constant accusation… a lasting reminder of my failure to keep you safe. I know that I've looked into your eyes for the last time. The blood is drying and still I sit and watch. I don't know what to do now, where to go, who to be without you.

We've been together forever. All we've ever known has been supporting each other, helping each other, doing our best to ease the aches and pains that life throws at us, big or small. You were just a baby when they thrust you into my arms and made me your guardian. That night our whole world changed and you became the anchor that kept me tied to reality. You were always my light in the darkness, my sanity in a world that had been turned upside down and would never be righted again. Even now, sitting here, I can feel that sanity slowly slipping away.

I can't remember a time when you didn't come first in my life. I've spent my whole life trying to find ways to make you smile. Each day was a new chance for me to try to give you a small piece of that normal life you always craved. I tried. I really did. I know that I could never be everything you wanted but I did my best to be everything you needed. You were my responsibility but you were never a burden to me… I hope you knew that. You were simply… mine.

I remember when you said your first word. Dad had been trying to get you to say "Daddy" for weeks. What he didn't know was that I'd been working to get you to say something else. Then one night, in the middle of dinner you reached out for me and, clear as day, said my name. Dad couldn't believe it. In truth, neither could I. I've heard you say my name a million times since then but the one that keeps ringing through my mind is the last time…your last word.

There's almost poetry in the symmetry. Hell, your first steps were into my arms. Not surprising seeing as Dad was usually off on a hunt somewhere. With all the moving around I guess I was the only one you felt safe enough with to trust to catch you. You always trusted me to catch you. But when it counted the most I was too slow…your last steps were into my arms…

I thought I might die when we lost Dad. I wasn't sure if I could do this without him. He was the leader, I was the follower and you… you were the rebel. But you were there to hold me up. Funny, I think most people look at us and figure I'm the rebel in the duo but we both know that isn't true. I could never break away from everything Dad wanted me to be. You did that. You were the one that had the strength to stand up and fight for what you wanted.

God, I was so mad at you when you left. I hated that you wanted to leave us. But, in a way, I think I was a little proud of you to. I know I never told you that, I never could, but it made me believe that I had done something good, something right in my life. I had to have to have raised a kid like you, one who was so sure of his beliefs and strong in his convictions. You grew up to be the person I always wished I could be…bet you didn't know that, did you…

Then I had to go and drag you back in again. Yeah, I probably could have gone on and found Dad alone. But, honestly, I missed you. I finally had an excuse to get you back without ever having to actually admit that to you. And it worked, too well. I can never tell you how sorry I am that I guilted you into coming back and helping me. I knew before I ever saw you again that you wouldn't refuse me and I played on that fact for no reason then the fact that I missed you.

I should be building the pyre but I'm still sitting here, with you. I know Bobby's right. I know I can't stay here with you forever but I can't stand the thought of driving down that road alone. Every time I think about lighting a match and watching your body turn to ash I can't breathe. It's too damn soon. I never thought…I mean…I always imagined that I would go first, probably pulling your pain in the ass self from some damn mess or another. How could you go and leave me like this?

Damn it Sam! I've never been alone before. Not really alone. I always knew I had you or Dad to run to if things got too hard, too real. Now what am I supposed to do? No one ever taught me how to be anything but your big brother. If I can't be that then what am I?

No. I'm not going to let this happen. Not now, not like this. I don't have anything else left to lose so there's no reason for me not to at least try. I'll make the best deal I can Sammy but…no matter what it ends up being, just know that it was my choice. I choose to do this for you. You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about. I'm just being selfish…I can't stand the thought of facing one day without you here. I hope you can forgive me for my weakness. I love you too much to let you go like this… I'm your big brother, it's my job to take care of you…what else am I supposed to do?


End file.
